why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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