I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize