So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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