there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
