I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
