Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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