I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
