I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize