apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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