I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
