He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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