The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
