What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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