You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
