We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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