Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
