Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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