Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
