every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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