Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
