I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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