we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
