yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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