Plan B is the new Plan A
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize