i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
