no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
