I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
