Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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