Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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