just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
