I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It was confusing and full of hummus
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
