Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
