dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize