he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
