i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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