I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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