He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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