just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
