the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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