bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
sarcasm needs its own font
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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