"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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