Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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