oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She needs sedatives and a leash
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
