She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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