Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
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