i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
