we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
