I wish I could teleport
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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