If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
