That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
