where am i from again
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
