speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
