I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
