Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
