Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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