hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
