atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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